Révérence de Bastien $120
If you haven’t spent a week watching all—and we mean all—the dead skin on your feet fall off, you haven’t lived. Meet Patchology’s PoshPeel Pedi Cure.
Written By KATE KLOBE
Photography By GUY AROCH
VIOLET GREY is a small, close knit beauty company whose entire raison d’être revolves around rigorous testing to find the best solutions for any beauty concern (shoutout to the #VioletCode). Accordingly, this very curious thing happens at our office by which we all unconsciously develop an inventory of our colleagues’s physical flaws—but in an honest-to-god completely neutral and non-judgemental way. It goes like this: New acne products to test? Those should go to so-and-so, who’s been breaking out lately. Hair care that claims to neutralize brassiness? Blah-blah-blah is looking pretty orange—ask him/her to try it.
Well, I’m proud-slash-ashamed to admit that I was the unanimous nominee to test Patchology’s PoshPeel Pedi Cure, one of the stars of our brand-new nail, hand, and foot care edit. To be blunt, my feet were fucked up—and I had no one to blame but myself. I’m incredibly lazy about maintenance, wear only flip-flops or four-inch pumps, and have danced for years (which is basically the podiatric equivalent of smoking cigarettes). At any given time, at least 20 percent of my toenails were held in place with band-aids. In short, my feet were blistered, callused, dried-out messes—and widely regarded as such, apparently.
Enter the Patchology PoshPeel Pedi Cure, which the product’s packaging obliquely terms a “treatment.” What it should say, however, is “religious experience.” Because Patchology showed me the light and absolved me of past sins; my feet have been born again. And I mean that almost literally, since all of the skin under my ankles now feels like it belongs to an infant.
HOW IT WORKS
The PoshPeel comes in a cheerful green box containing a pair of cotton-lined booties and two sachets of “activating essence” comprised of a blend of four acids: citric, lactic, glycolic, and salicylic. You take a large vessel (that you never, ever plan to serve food out of), fill it with warm water, and soak your bare feet for 15 minutes. Next, you pour one packet of essence in each bootie, secure the adhesive top around your ankle, and let it sit for an hour. When time’s up, you soak in water for another 15 minutes. And then nothing happens...
THE GOOD/GROSS PART
…until it does. For me, things started to get exciting around day four. And by “exciting” I mean intensely gross—but in the most amazing, pleasant way imaginable. Recall the sensation of peeling dried Elmer’s Glue off your hands as a child. Yup, it’s just like that—except with actual skin. Over the following several days, all of the leathery, knobbly patches on my soles, heels, and toes curled up and flaked away. Just like, politely removed themselves from my body. If you have even the slightest predilection for icky dermatological stuff, well, welcome to your Superbowl-Oscars-Christmas rolled into one. The opportunities for picking are infinite.
The fact that all of this happened painlessly—in fact, it never even itched— is absolutely nuts, because the end result was nothing short of spectacular. Somehow, Patchology was able to dissolve all of my crusty, barnacle-like calcifications and unearth a new layer of soft, squidgy, pliant flesh. It felt amazing, was oddly mesmerizing, and I swear I’ve gone down half a shoe size since.
FLAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT
Some additional pieces of advice. If you’re not trying to goad your partner into breaking up with you, wear socks to bed. If you’re not trying to actively repulse your friends, plan on forgoing sandals for a week. If you want to speed things along a bit, nightly soaks help expedite the effects. And peel responsibly—no more than once every 30 days.
I’m not harboring any delusions about becoming a foot model post-Patchology, but I was pretty pleased about its effect on my work life: no longer am I regarded as the default guinea pig for any and all foot-related products. Which happens to be really good timing, since I have a lot of acne and color correcting stuff to get to.
Susanne Kaufmann $222
SEA BOTTLE $24